Critique
by Kojiro1
Summary: A weird little fic I half wrote in Art class. The characters speak back to the author, kinda like instant feedback. Enjoy! :oD


Critique - By Kojiro  
Rated... um, I don't know the American rating system. So, it's rated W, for weird. No swearing, little smut. So there.  
  
***WARNING: The following fic is *silly*. Try to take it seriously, and you risk a severe headache.***  
  
Summary: A little messed-up story I concocted in Art class when I should have been studying a Roman relief. Ah, well. Basically, the characters and the author have a little conversation.  
Characters: Mostly Xander and Oz, but Giles, Angel, Anya and Drusilla show up. And me, in a way.  
Genre: Poor Comedy. But I try.  
Feedback: blue@team-rocket.net  
  
  
***The story starts... in the Sunnydale High school Library. No, wait, The Bronze. Yeah. Xander and Oz are stood on the dancefloor. No, at the bar. No, near the stairs, watching girlies dance.***  
  
Oz: Make your mind up, I'm getting kinda dizzy.  
Xander: I'm getting into this. (waves at a girl, who winks back at him) Nice placement, Koji!  
  
***Thank you. OK, so along comes a girl, who stands next to Oz.***  
  
Oz: What kinda girl?  
  
***Huh?***  
  
Oz: Well, is she pretty, familiar, mysterious, evil...?  
  
***Erm... she's kinda tall. With blue hair, and green eyes. Her name is Blue.***  
  
Xander: If you could get anymore SI, we'd be you.  
Oz: He has a point. Don't be so obvious, Ko.  
  
***Don't get uppity with me, people. I can... change things...***  
  
*Spooky crashing noise*  
Xander: (looking over his shoulder) Was that the best you can do? I make that sound every time I drop my lunch in the dinner hall.  
Oz: Reminded me of band practice.  
  
***Grr...***  
  
*Girl morphs into a mean looking grizzly bear who advances on the guys.*  
  
***Neener, neener, neener!***  
  
Oz: *backing away* I get the feeling that you're trying to make a point.  
Xander: OK, fine. No more heckling of the great fic writer!  
  
***Good boy.***  
  
*Bear disapears*  
Xander: *coughs- sounds remarkably like "Crap."*  
Oz: *smirks*  
  
***I can control your speech, you know. I control all.***  
  
Xander: *bowing down, mocking* Oh mighty ficmaster, without whom we would be nought!  
  
***Ahem.***  
  
Xander: I really love your girlfriend, Oz. She's possibly the biggest fox to ever walk the earth. Eep!   
*Oz gives him a shocked, yet highly nasty glare.*  
Xander: *claps hands over his mouth, but continues, muffled* However, my heart belongs to Jonathan. He rocks my world. In fact, I feel like finding him, and making sweet love to him, right here, on this dance floor!   
*turns to the nearest beautiful girl - like there's a shortage of them in Sunnydale*  
Hi baby! How about you come back to mine, where I can kill you and wear your face like a mask?  
Girl: Eeek! *slaps him, hard.*  
*Oz recovers from the glare to grin widely at Xander's misfortune.*  
  
***Not good enough.***  
  
*Girl morphs into Giles, who punches Xander*  
Giles: Why in the hell am I here? This isn't my type of fic. Normally I'd be in one of those odd shipper fics with Buffy or Willow.  
Oz: *Laughing out loud*  
Xander: (to Koji) You psycho!  
  
***Ooo, testy. Have it your way. Let's go back a few lines and change stuff.***  
  
Xander: *breathes* Good... a better idea.  
Oz: *crying with laughter* He..hee...!  
*Xander glares at him*  
  
***Here we go... instead of `he turns to the nearest beautiful girl`...***  
  
Xander: Uh huh...  
  
***He turns *into* the beautiful girl!***  
  
Xander: Nooo!  
*Morphs into the girl who had slapped him*  
*Giles starts to take an interest*  
Giles: Ah. And..who are you?  
Xander: (High voice) I'm Xena, sexy table dancer from the Lady's Night Dance Club! (Normal voice) No I'm not!  
Giles: Right...  
  
***Hee hee... I'm enjoying this!***  
  
Xander/Xena: This is cruel and unusual punishment!  
Giles: Would you like to come for a coffee? I've heard good things about Gold Blend...  
Oz: *uncontrollable laughter*  
Xander/Xena: *desperate* Oz? A little help? Buddy?  
Oz: After what you said about Willow? Nah.  
  
***Bored now...***  
  
*Xander morphs back.*  
  
***Hmm, now what?***  
  
Xander: I'll have flashbacks of that moment forever. *Pause. Then:* Though, I did have quite the womanboobies.  
Oz: Very formidable.  
Giles: I'm almost jealous.  
  
***I'm gonna be generous, now. I don't like being evil to good people. Well, don't like it as much as other things, anyway.***  
  
Xander: Well, ding, dong, the witch is dead!  
  
***Watch it.***  
  
Xander: Sorry.  
  
***So... because something has to happen at some point... do you have a wish I can grant?***  
  
Oz: New plectrum for my guitar?  
  
***Done.***  
  
*Oz picks up a tiny piece of plastic from the floor*  
Oz: Thanks.  
  
***S'alright.***  
  
*Xander dances from one foot to the other*  
Xander: Me, me, me! Bring Angel here.  
  
***Done... and I wanna know where you're going from here.***  
  
*Angel appears on the floor of the Bronze*  
Angel: What the-  
Xander: Now dress him in ballet gear! Slippers, tutu, the works!  
  
***Odd, but it's your wish.***  
  
*Angel finds himself dressed in a Swan Lake outfit*  
Angel: Argh! Undead creatures of the night aren't meant to wear pink!  
Xander: Hah! Be all angsty and sexy in that!  
Oz/Giles: *giggle*  
*Random girls crowd around Swan Lake Angel*  
Girls: We just *love* a guy who shows his feminine side!  
Giles: Er... I have a tutu! And coffee!  
Girls: Ooo!  
Angel: Can I save any of you ladies from evil?  
*Swan Lake Angel and the girls walk off, Giles following quickly.*  
Giles: It's a frilly tutu! In baby blue!  
  
***Happy now?***  
  
Xander: No! He still got the girls.  
  
***Aw, poor Xander. You want someone?***  
  
Xander: Yeah!  
  
***OK, but you asked for it.***  
  
*Drusilla appears*  
Xander: Ack!  
Drusilla: Hello, pretty little boy. Can I play with you?  
Xander: Gah... um... no, play with Oz! He gets strokable fur once a month!  
Drusilla: You have pretty hair.  
*Dru strokes Xander's hair*  
Xander: *Mumbles something to Oz*  
Oz: I'm outta here.  
Xander: Hey! A little help?  
Oz: You tried to pass me to Dru! I don't want to be her cuddly werewolf!  
Drusilla: *stops stroking Xander* Ooo, cuddly dog! I want to play with the doggy. All my pets seem to break after a while...  
Oz: Argh!   
*Oz dashes away, Dru following, holding a dog treat.*  
Drusilla: Want a meat flavoured biscuit, doggy?  
Xander: *sighs*  
  
***Sorry, that didn't work out either, huh?***  
  
Xander: Even the crazy chicks won't have me.  
  
***What, you'd have her?***  
  
Xander: *sobbing* I just wanna get laid for once! Is that so much to ask?  
  
***Is that it? Hmm. Well, I want an end to this fic, and you want a shag. I have an idea.***  
  
Xander: Huh?  
*Anya appears*  
Anya: Come along, man, we have to procreate.  
Xander: ...uh? Why?  
Anya: Because I want to.  
*she grabs his collar, and drags him away.*  
  
***And that's that. Can I go now? I'm missing Dragonball Z.***  
  
That's it! Feedback appreciated, begged for, is my life blood. dittoblue30@yahoo.co.uk or blue@team-rocket.net  



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